Outgoing US President Donald Trump has moved to quash suggestions that he had any part to play in excrement being smeared on the walls of White House during the recent violence at the Capitol Building.
Speaking from his garden, because it’s the only place he’s allowed to communicate anymore, he said ‘I suggested they defecate on the floor. I told them. I said, “Do it. Poo on the floor. Do a big poo. A huge one. The biggest. And make America great again. Why? Because Joe Biden has vowed to bring the American cleaning industry to a standstill. And I love cleaners. They’re wonderful people. Beautiful. True patriots.”
Trump, the illegitimate lovechild of a satsuma and a shaved bollock, went on to say that those that then chose to smear their own shit on the walls and furniture ‘did so of their own volition’.
He was then shown a video of his own rally in which he was seen to say ‘Do it. Shit on the floor. Smear it on the walls, the furniture, the bannisters, the photo of Barack Obama, everything. I want that place destroyed!’ He responded by saying, ‘Accusing me of inciting a dirty protest with nothing but clear footage of me inciting a dirty protest is as ludicrous as saying I lost the election just because the other guy got more votes. It’s fake news.’
Following his live broadcast, Trump took to Twitter where he stared blankly at what used to be his ranting medium of choice before crying tears of frustration into a useless echo chamber.