Some very persuasive religious group hustlers banged on my door, aggressively, and were even more fierce with their finger and tongue-wagging telling me, ‘Jesus is coming’. Now, I have no qualms about anyone’s beliefs, and I give anyone their right to their beliefs but I don’t go knocking on their doors telling them, ‘No he f***ing isn’t.”
I purposely waited until after Easter – well after Easter – to unleash my reasons why the big man is not coming back.
You see, I give the same amount of respect and right of reply to a religious person’s beliefs as I do with a drunken circus act fire eater’s: as long as neither try to ram it down my throat.
I printed these 11 reasons out and popped them through the door of my local church.
I’m still waiting on their reply, but the way things stand I am expecting word back in about two thousand years’ time.
Hey! Maybe they’ll call me to say Jesus will be making a personal parcel delivery for me on 1 May, 4014.
I will insist, however, that they make it clear if it will be morning or afternoon.
Well, I will need to know for sure so that if I’m not at home I can arrange to leave a key with one of my neighbours.
So, without further ado, here are my 11 reasons why Jesus is not coming back…
1. There are enough Jesus tribute acts doing the rounds as it is and he would not be that enthusiastic about the competition. How could he possibly prove to people he really is the guy they have hanging on their living-room walls and as a bobble-head figure on their dashboards? I think that’s a lot to take on for a guy well into his 2000s.
2. He would be pressured into proving he really was the messiah by being humiliatingly forced to carry out tasks in front of a live audience. He would definitely not want to be put on the spot and perform a miracle under that heat. Besides, we already have enough cures and miraculous things going on in the modern world today, like: David Blaine, Dynamo, David Copperfield, homeopathy… and… dare I say? sliced bread.
3. Starting up a Facebook fan page and an official Twitter account would be simple enough, even for a humble man, whose face is disheveled in archeological wrinkles; but he would have trouble trying to work out Twitter. He’d struggle like the rest of us mere social network mortals. Plus, he would have trouble trying to comprehend why he could get millions of followers in under an hour then moments later 2billion would unfollow him.
4. People would harass him for his dad’s address. It is not clear how much tolerance Jesus would have but after two thousand years it’s pretty safe to say people would piss him off very easily. No guy wants to wait two millennium, make a paraded entrance, only to be badgered for his father’s details. He’s not Bradley Cooper’s son.
5. He would have to wear shoes. God, that would kill him. Due to health and safety there’s no way he would be allowed into establishments in his bare feet or tattered sandals. This would mean he would have to stay at home and turn water into wine but then – he would have to prove he wasn’t using a homemade brewer’s kit anyone can buy on the internet.
6. There’s every chance nobody will take him seriously because back then men were tiny in proportion to today’s male. Standing at an estimated 5ft 2″ it is extraordinarily unlikely his followers will feel safe looking up to him. I think he would feel a little inadequate trying to muscle his way past other larger-than-life icons like basketball stars and superhero figures.
7. Deep down I think Jesus doesn’t want to come back for fear of letting down half the world’s population. I sense the feeling Jesus Christ loves the ‘mysteriousness’ of his existence. It’s a bit like the Loch Ness Monster. If both Jesus and Nessie turned up at a police station to hand themselves in, and DNA proves both exist, the world’s population of believers would be shattered beyond repair. Jesus knows he has the amount of followers he has because of the mystery surrounding him. If he turns up announced…heaven forbid…his credibility would be fried.
8. Marketing-wise there is at least another two thousand years worth of economic value to be had with the whole Jesus thing. This is why I am certain Jesus has waited until now then checked back realizing the church has profited hugely from his name; so he will want to keep the church happy by prolonging his return. Also, Jesus’ share issue keeps increasing.
The very second his popularity starts to feel a slump he might think about using a doppelganger to take the fall. That would be difficult because the brand of Jesus isn’t like McDonald’s. At least McDonald’s has one logo. Jesus looks completely different in every single picture. Long hair, beard, sad eyes, long hair, beard, sad eyes…get the picture? He looks like a different Argentine football player from every generation; and a failed discarded Spanish tennis hopeful whose parents couldn’t afford any more lessons.
9. Jesus is a bit miffed by no-one reporting him missing on a Facebook meme. Somehow a pot-bellied bespectacled loner in his late 50s who has not been seen since last Thursday – please share – is more believable than a long-haired bearded man in a linen frock; who claims to give sight to the blind and mobility to the crippled and hasn’t been seen for over 2000 years – please share.
10. It’s that beard! Jesus’ beard just isn’t cutting it anymore; what with all those neatly-trimmed second-rated footballer’s goatees on show. Okay, his beard is not that bad but he’s stuck in the middle of a Kenny Rodgers and that guy we all know who lives under a bridge. I’m not sure how adventurous Jesus is but does he have the courage to go Catweazle? Nah, I didn’t think so.
11. Maybe, just maybe, Jesus has never existed at all and it is a fictional tale used for control and manipulation. Forget his fear of social network sites, facial grooming and manly competition – Jesus has been dead for 2000 years and he’s had plenty of time throughout history to make his long-awaited comeback. Why come back now just to get found out? If I was him I would just keep rolling that rock a little further outward from his cell cave each hundred years or so; revealing just a little bit more cloth each time – teasing – but not enough to give the game away. Well, maybe just a little thigh.
Yeah I know, it’s poor taste isn’t it? But what is worse, 11 believable reasons that have every chance of proving beyond any reasonable doubt or sitting waiting on a guy to turn up who promised two thousand years ago and hasn’t shown up yet?
I rest my case, your honour. I have no further questions.