Home Secretary, Priti Patel, took to Radio 4’s Today programme to announce the asylum system was broken and that she was breaking the Geneva Convention and didn’t give a fuck about children drowning as they try to escape from war-torn regimes in homemade rafts. One petrified Home Office colleague said: “She cares more about statues […]
Prime Minister Boris Johnson continues to valiantly struggle to correctly fold his road map back into itself. The PM started to fold the road map yesterday and is refusing to accept any help in the basic task of correctly folding the road map. As his driver drove to his next calamity, the car almost veered […]
Outgoing US President Donald Trump has made drastic changes to his legal team.Veteran attorney and hair dye failure Rudy Giuliani has been sacked to be replaced by reality TV empress and trainee lawyer Kim Kardashian.The move comes as Mr Trump steps up his controversial battle against the outcome of last year’s presidential election. “Everyone knows Sleepy […]
A 49-year-old lumberjack who works for his local forestry commission cut down all the trees in his garden after being forced to work from home, it has emerged.Neighbours became suspicious after a large power tool was heard firing up at 6am yesterday morning and were stunned to see the unnamed check-shirt-wearing burly man felling his […]
Clothing store giant Primark has been given the go-ahead to vaccinate three trillion Brits after it was discovered that’s where you’ll find most of the population at any time and day of the week, it has emerged.The vaccine, thought to be the 4th one on the market promises to reduce the waistlines of most single […]
The hordes had tanks and water cannon turned on them when they laid siege on their hero’s exclusive golf course.Head of security Norma Snockers confirmed. ‘I was doing some checks around the hotel when I thought I saw zombies emerge from nowhere. I saw thousands of white trash duelling banjo types march en masse on […]
Outgoing US President Donald Trump has moved to quash suggestions that he had any part to play in excrement being smeared on the walls of White House during the recent violence at the Capitol Building.Speaking from his garden, because it’s the only place he’s allowed to communicate anymore, he said ‘I suggested they defecate on […]
American business magnate and philanthropist Bill Gates has suggested that the world is secretly being controlled by a global network of conspiracy theorists.In a statement he said he has uncovered evidence of attempts to ‘spread chaos and confusion’ in attempt to take over the world.He claimed leaked documents ‘prove the venture is being run from […]
Boris Johnson has sacked his recently-appointed press secretary Allegra Stratton after it was discovered her cheeks turn bright red every time she lies.“Obviously a position of this sensitivity requires someone who can reel off a string of absolute stinking porkers without batting an eyelid,” said the Prime Minister.“Unfortunately we’ve done a number of trial press […]
GLASGOW — With the winding down of the government furlough scheme, a Bearsden estate agent is looking forward to sharing his lockdown poetry with his co-workers as he returns to work next week.Franklin Gothic, 28, the self-proclaimed ‘Bard of Bearsden’ took up writing poetry in an effort to inject some meaning into his life and […]
