WALES — A Ferrari owner from Merthyr Tydfil has tweeted to say that, despite the government’s sex ban, he’s still available for sex with people from other households as he can do it from two metres away.

Ivor Biggun, a self-confessed sex machine, says that he first discovered his 6ft penis ‘the night before PE at big school’. He vowed there and then, to make sure that he dodged showers and never wore tight-fitting pants to ‘avoid embarrassment…to other boys obviously.’ But he promised himself that he’d get a Ferrari with a personalised number plate just so that everyone knows he’s got ‘a dong to rival the M4 in length.’

Mr Biggun describes himself as an ‘experienced shagger’ and said he’s slept with so many women that he can’t remember any of their names. Sadly, he’s never been able to introduce any of them to his mates as his ‘most successful nights on the pull’ come when he has nights out alone and ‘all of the girls are from out of town anyway’ so he knows his mates won’t know any of them.

Biggun’s offer is open to ‘fit girls and ones with big tits.’ He promises them a night at Wetherspoons with ‘no expense spared’ followed by a ‘bunk up in my car’.

Interested ladies are asked to send nudes of themselves to Biggun and warned that they must sign a non-disclosure agreement before he takes his pants off to reveal ‘the beast’ and that they need to take up the offer before next Friday as that’s when his uncle comes out of self-isolation and will notice the car missing.