UNITED KINGDOM — IKEA opened 19 stores across the UK yesterday with queues at record lengths as frustrated customers were finally able to ask ‘where the other bloody door is’ or ‘why there was one fucking screw missing’.
Bob Bobson, a DIY enthusiast of over two and half months said he was ‘pissed off’ that the TV stand he had delivered just before lockdown was missing a door.
Bobson said, “I wanted something specifically to hide my collection of rare Tibetan pornography from the kids. It was supposed to be kept right by the TV as I knew there would be very limited and very short windows of opportunity to watch it.”
“But,” said Bobson, “IKEA let me down. They should have known that box was only 2.4kg in weight. I mean I could tell just by looking at it.”
In the end, he was left with no option but to leave his porn DVDs on display, although he confessed that he ‘defaulted to my wife’ when his 9-year-old asked what a ‘Tibetan teabagging troupe’ was. “She’s still scarred,” said Bobson. “And my daughter’s not been the same since either.”
Other shoppers queued to complain about ‘broken shelves’, ‘scratched surfaces’ and ‘dodgy meatballs that gave me the shits at a time when loo roll was in short supply.’