The ONS has announced that 1st September has gone down as the least productive day in UK history as kids went back to school and parents were finally able to have sex, watch Netflix and stuff themselves with takeaways.
We spoke to Bob Bobson, a father of three from Sutton Coldfield who said he was ‘over the moon’ when he came back from doing the school run to find his wife naked on the sofa and with This Morning on silent.
“It’s the first time she’s initiated sex since 2003,” he said, “and I lasted almost as long as it took the kettle to boil.”
Mr Bobson said that after a McDonald’s breakfast and a nap, the couple then cuddled up on the sofa to binge-watch Netflix before burning an effigy of ‘that keep fit wanker’ Joe Wicks. After slobbing out on the sofa all morning, they had a kebab for lunch before ‘loosely toying’ with the idea of a second shag before realising they’re well into their forties and would most likely strain something.
“It was a great day, all told,” said Mr Bobson. “At 3 o’clock we put the rubbish in the bin, got dressed into our new business attire of pyjamas, vest and slippers and then opened up the laptops and placed them on the dining table next to some tea-stained papers. The kids never suspected a thing.”