LONDON — The government has announced a local lockdown at ITV after Piers Morgan tested positive for bellendavirus.
It’s alleged that the GMB host began displaying symptoms in the 1980s but kept them secret and continued a career in journalism, merrily spreading bellendry as he went about his business without a care for how it was affecting those around him.
Late last night, the loveable arsehole of morning TV reported having a slightly raised temperature along with a complete loss of compassion and common sense.
ITV bosses said Morgan was quickly tested and that results showed that he is a massive bellend and should isolate to prevent the continued spread of absolute bollocks.
Morgan was unavailable for comment, but an ITV insider assured viewers that he ‘would have said something controversial’ if given the chance.
He is expected to be off our screens for a minimum of 14 days, although some experts have suggested that Russia may have found a cure for bellendry with Vladimir Putin announcing that it can be solved by ‘making people disappear in the dead of night if they disagree with you.’
There has been mixed reviews on President Putin’s suggestion that the Russians have found a vaccine, with some saying the Russian leader is, himself a bit of an arrogant bellend while others arguing that, whether or not his vaccine claims are genuine, he has at least pissed off Donald Trump.