A man who insists that everyone ‘do their own research’ by libertarian conspiracy theorists is really pissed off at his inability to discover fire.
The man, Barabus Valentine, said, “Steadfast as I am in insisting all ‘do their own research’, I am here, naked and cold, having been unable to discover fire nor use any previous scientific discoveries or progress to invent the concept of clothing.
“As a matter of principle, I — like many of my other insistees — have utterly no faith in any system that trusts peer-reviewed science to build upon previous discoveries and therefore — by definition — must invent anything and everything we need from first principles.
“Hopefully, most of us will progress to toilet paper by our mid-thirties, but this ‘fire’ thing is taking a shitload longer than I thought.
“Once I’ve finished my research, I will not pass anything down to my kids, as they will also have to do their own research.
“Unfortunately, I can’t tell them that they have to do their own research, as that would involve them not doing their own research, so it’s a bit of a Catch-22 — which itself is a saying I had to invent, after first researching a civilisation — something I had to theorise, that is forced to go to war, also something I made up, based on a collaborative principles, which I haven’t invented yet.”
Mr Valentine’s unswerving principles then forced him to shut his mouth, after this reporter asked him at what point he’d invented language.