USA — Heinz factories in America were raided by baffled police yesterday with thousands of arrests made for unlicensed mass manufacture of a deadly weapon on the soup production lines.
Republicans in America have called for greater soup control measures after Donald Trump’s unfathomable tirade against the historic canned goods.
Secretary of State, Rep. Barabus-Bob Valentine, confirmed, “Thousands of do-gooding snowflakes were brought in for questioning throughout the night for running so-called ‘soup kitchens’ where liberal left-wing communists, who choose not to have housing, collect in order to arm themselves with the country’s greatest lethal weapon that’s not Mel Gibson.
“Emergency measures have been put in place by another President Trump Executive Order forcing citizens to show their soup license in order to purchase any smushed vegetables from the local 7-11.
“Many entrepreneurial Republicans have already set up Soup Stores, allowing soup to be purchased by any extreme liberal leftie nutcase Democrats in order to be used in a myriad of deadly assaults.
“On the senses.”
Semi-automatic soup has already been banned completely by the administration.
National Soup Association spokesperson Christopher James, said, “This country was built on freedom of speech, and it is our right to arm ourselves with any thick, meat-stocked water of our choice.
“These assaults are not solely the fault of soup! What about baked beans or the ‘Full English Breakfast In A Can’?!”